Roots

Roots, what do you think of when you see that word?  Ok yes I've looked in a mirror and I need a highlight. My roots are nasty. Ok wait not those roots. The kinda where you came from, where we all started.  This whole experience has made my appreciation for my family even stronger. I'm proud of where I came from.

I was always taught you don't quit, don't give up. Trudge on, fight for what you believe in and achieve your goals. Is it hard at times heck yeah. There were times I was so frustrated as a kid with my parents for not allowing me to quit. But it wasn't an option. I thank God and my parents everyday for that.

We have an amazing support system around us, but today for me I need to put my family in the spotlight. Not to minimize anyone else but I need to recognize my family.  From my parents who taught me to be the person I am today to my grandparents who were all amazing people.  I'm surrounded by amazing family.  My family may not have any idea how much they mean to me, how they have helped.  From one of my aunts coming to help with the kids when Sophia was taken to Children's for emergency surgery to another one of my aunts who is also my Godmother sending me messages to help me through this.  My family knows me well and then have all been there. I have heard from all of my relatives through this and it means so much to me, to us.  You have no idea how much you have helped.

So the next time your family frustrates you, stop and really think.  They helped make you who you are today!

Stubborn is as stubborn does

Stubborn, who me?  Ahh yes just a little ok or maybe a whole lot.  I totally get that I'm crazy stubborn. Buttttttttt I thank God for that.  It has gotten me through some of the toughest times in life and kept me going.  Phia stubborn oh heck yeah. I love it. I love that she is a feisty stubborn little lady. I think all of our kids were destined to have a stubborn side, yes daddy has a stubborn side too.  :).  Phia is a girl after my own heart well and all of her siblings. She knows what she wants how she wants it and when she wants it.  Tricking her into meds or special diet foods are not easy.  If something works one day it sure will not the next day because Phia learns quick.  I love it, she keeps me on my toes. 
Phia and I are very attached to each other. If I give Phia to daddy she is content for a little while but quickly knows what she needs to do to get mommy again. And yes she gets her way, she has earned it :)

Phia is our warrior princess!

Nesting

You know that crazy person that some of us turn into towards the end of pregnancy?  We prepare our nest for the arrival of this new little person as if once the baby comes we will never be able to do anything again.  Or like this new little person really cares if you have scrubbed every last crumb from the back of the oven.   I am a crazy nester, I have been with each pregnancy and with each pregnancy I got even worse about it.  Arvid dreads that period of time because he is barely allowed to finish food off his plate before I'm am scrubbing the plate clean again.  Suggestions have been made that we actually move out of the house the last few weeks so I can do a crazy clean once and then come home with a new baby :)

I have recently found that having a medical child I have turned into that version of myself again.  Everything must be just so, everything has it's place, I need to have all my ducks in a row as my grandpa used to say.  I need to remind myself daily, ok sometimes hourly to CHILL!

Yes this lovely controlling side of myself is rearing its ugly head once again.  I'm controlling what I can in our lives right now.  I have no control over so many things, but this I can control, I can keep our house clean, our laundry done and the cabinets stocked.  Is this important, no not really but its me.  It makes me feel better.  It's my grandma coming out in me and I'm ok with that.

I have to thank my wonderful husband too, for his every attempt to clean.  You do an amazing job, but when you finish and I follow behind, please remember, it's grandma Pat in me!

As far as the medical side, I organize Phia's meds too, we have to, it's so important to keep track of what she needs when, so I organize them.  She is a rockstar with her meds, her new diet and smiling away!  I wish everyone could meet Phia.  To see her and her attitude is the most amazing thing.  You can't complain about the simple things in life when her only complaint is wanting food now and well umm, gas!

Lexi said it best, "my sister is a rockstar"

To Milwaukee and back.

Ok, update: first off thank you everyone for the prayers. Here is what we found out and what's happening. Phia had labs and her numbers increased again which was expected. They are ready to list her for transplant. We will be going down one of the following weeks to get the transplant work up. It consists of meetings with 7 members of the team as well as labs for Phia. Once our meetings are done and she is listed they will start testing for a living donor. Our goals now are continue to get her weight up, get/keep the fluid in her belly down and no bleeding. Please continue to pray. We need all of the love, support and prayers now more than ever. We know she is going to get sicker so we need all of the prayers. If you have any questions please ask!

Every Rose has it's Thorns, Well, Almost.

Steph's rant, hmmm where do I begin?  Am I angry? At times yes, along with sad, scared, and frustrated.  I can't begin to tell you how much this has changed me. I have always loved being a mom, I have always enjoyed our life, but everything we've seen I appreciate it so much more.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a planner, an organizer, I umm.... ok I'm a control freak. Phew ok I said it.  I can't control this right now, I can't plan it and all I can organize is Phia's medical binder and meds.

All I want is to make things better, better for Phia, better for Lexi, Spencer and Liza who are concerned when Phia, mommy and daddy leave again, better for Arvid who is a roll-with-the-punches kind of guy but I know his pain and I've seen it.  Better for our parents, our parents who have always been there for us, who have always been strong, but are now at times falling apart before our very eyes.

I am and always have been a people pleaser, I want to make people happy, I want them to feel better and this time I can't fix it all, I can fight like hell and that I will but I myself can't make it all better for everyone and there is no better way to put it than, IT SUCKS!

One of the nurses told us our lives for now would be a roller coaster ride, ummmmmm HELLO, I hate rides!!!!   Slow down, stop, let me have a minute, whoa, wait we are going again.  That's how I feel. But we will learn and grow from this.  In my eyes it's our only option. Only option!

I'm going to end with something an amazing lady just told me. She said "You can't get a rose without the thorns".  Wow, that was and is very powerful to me.  My response in my head, umm my grandpa always cut the thorns off for me so I didn't get hurt. My favorite rose is a sterling silver, umm they are nearly thornless.  But she is so right. I am an adult now and I have to deal with the thorns. But I know along with all of you my grandpa is watching over and protecting peanut from the thorns as always. I know that my stubborn as hell grandmas are right there and every time Phia smiles I see my grandpa Howie and know he is right there with us. Each thorn is one step closer to our beautiful flower!