Steph's rant, hmmm where do I begin? Am I angry? At times yes, along with
sad, scared, and frustrated. I can't begin to tell you how much this has
changed me. I have always loved being a mom, I have always enjoyed our
life, but everything we've seen I appreciate it so much more.
Anyone who knows me knows I'm a planner, an organizer, I umm.... ok I'm a
control freak. Phew ok I said it. I can't control this right now, I
can't plan it and all I can organize is Phia's medical binder and meds.
All I want is to make things better, better for Phia, better for Lexi,
Spencer and Liza who are concerned when Phia, mommy and daddy leave
again, better for Arvid who is a roll-with-the-punches kind of guy but I
know his pain and I've seen it. Better for our parents, our parents
who have always been there for us, who have always been strong, but are
now at times falling apart before our very eyes.
I am and always have been a people pleaser, I want to make people happy,
I want them to feel better and this time I can't fix it all, I can
fight like hell and that I will but I myself can't make it all better
for everyone and there is no better way to put it than, IT SUCKS!
One of the nurses told us our lives for now would be a roller coaster
ride, ummmmmm HELLO, I hate rides!!!! Slow down, stop, let me have a
minute, whoa, wait we are going again. That's how I feel. But we will
learn and grow from this. In my eyes it's our only option. Only
option!
I'm going to end with something an amazing lady just told me. She said "You
can't get a rose without the thorns". Wow, that was and is very powerful to
me. My response in my head, umm my grandpa always cut the thorns off
for me so I didn't get hurt. My favorite rose is a sterling silver, umm
they are nearly thornless. But she is so right. I am an adult now and I
have to deal with the thorns. But I know along with all of you my
grandpa is watching over and protecting peanut from the thorns as
always. I know that my stubborn as hell grandmas are right there and
every time Phia smiles I see my grandpa Howie and know he is right there
with us. Each thorn is one step closer to our beautiful flower!
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